How to answer the question: What are your needs in this situation?

At the root of your feelings are needs that have not been met, related to, or respected by the other person. Although the other person’s behavior may have catalyzed the feelings you are experiencing now, the true cause of your feelings are unmet needs.

It is important to directly connect your feelings to your needs, and to express them clearly. When you do so, it will be easier for the other person to respond to you with respect and understanding. The chances of having your needs met will increase when you learn to express them clearly.

The needs that most frequently come up in conflict are connected to your early relationships with your parents/caretakers. Conflicts bring up many very old but very ingrained relational needs.

Go to the Needs reference on the Resource Page to help you understand your relationship needs and to a list of examples. Look at the examples for each category (Teens, Couples, Co-Workers, Friends) to read examples of expressing needs.

Here are examples of needs that may arise in a conflict between family members:
I need my feelings respected
I need connection with my daughter
I need my independence.
I need my dad to accept me the way that I am.