Are you and your partner having the same reactions to the same situations over and over again? Does the other person's attitude or behavior trigger a predictable and automatic response in you? Have you reacted to a set of circumstances in the same way for as long as you can remember? Do you remember responding to your parents or siblings in similar ways? Are you fed up with having the same negative reactions over and over again, but find it difficult to make a change?
Obstacles to Change
Face it, there are obstacles to change. We all have them. The first one we often encounter, is wanting the other person to change. Rather than trying to change our response, we focus on what they are doing that is upsetting us.
Judging the other person as being at fault or being wrong, makes us the good one, the right one. By finding fault in others we feel better about ourselves. But we do so at the peril of getting locked into a fixed position of blaming the other person.
Another obstacle to change is believing that it is not possible to change because we have become so identified with our reactions. We have taken our responses to be an essential part of who we are. We have become so accustomed to our reactions that they feel like an inseparable part of ourselves, like an arm or a leg. We believe that we are our reactions. They have given us a solid sense of self and we feel justified behaving in that way. We end up not wanting to change.
It is liberating to realize that we can free ourselves from our habitual automatic reactions. There is a method for letting go of our automatic upsetting reactions. By letting go of old patterned responses and identifications, we can begin to see ourselves in new more expansive ways. This takes patience and practice.
Keys to ending repetitive arguments:
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